Piece by: Daniel Olsen
While we often focus on things like points, rebounds, and assists in the NBA, a good nickname is a unique branding opportunity for players. Let’s take a look at the best nickname on each team in the NBA.
The Nickname Scale: We will give a combined score on each of the following five categories. Each category will be rated on a 1-10 scale:
Creativity
Branding
Talent Level
Notoriety of Nickname
Length (the shorter the better)
Atlanta Hawks: Ice Trae
Trae Young was a rising star out of college and there has already been a lot of hype surrounding him in the city of Atlanta. He was dubbed “Ice Trae” by famous rapper Quavo. Hopefully he can keep his cool when the expectations heat up in “Hotlanta”. Total Nickname Score: 32
Boston Celtics: Cardiac Kemba
While Kemba Walker has spent most of his career in Charlotte, he is now considered the best player on the Celtics. He has always proven to come up clutch while the heart rates of fans are rising. He started this in a great 2011 March Madness run as the star of the UConn Huskies. He joins a team with rich history and will look to cement his legacy before his career is over. Total Nickname Score: 36
Brooklyn Nets: Uncle Drew
If you have never seen Kyrie Irving’s movie starring him as his much older alter ego “Uncle Drew,” I highly recommend it. This cultural icon started as a Nike commercial and has really taken off. Uncle Drew handles the ball way better than your average grandpa. He might tell you to “hold my nuts” while he beats someone in a game of one-on-one, but Kyrie will go down in history as a great player and his nickname will be even greater. Total Nickname Score: 49
Charlotte Hornets: Scary Terry
Terry Rozier made sure the world knew who he was after an intense 7 game playoff series against the Milwaukee Bucks. Rozier is a scrappy guard that was a nightmare for many teams to guard. He takes a more prominent role now on a Charlotte team that doesn’t quite have the depth that Boston has. He was part of the trade for the previously mentioned Kemba Walker to the Boston Celtics. The future looks bright for a young Hornets team led by Scary Terry himself and a lot of their future success may depend on how the ping pong balls bounce in the NBA Draft Lottery on August 25th. Total Nickname Score: 34
Chicago Bulls: The Finnisher
After a stellar yet short time with the Arizona Wildcats, Lauri Markkanen came to the NBA with a high nickname upside. As a native from Finland there were plenty of ways to have fun. One could call him the “Pickled Herring” (a holiday Finnish classic that might taste strange to some as it has a strong fishy taste combined with a hint of sour pickles). There are countless puns with the word “Finnish”. You could go with “Finish line” or “Finnish Dinner” or even this one “HuckleBALLER Finn”. However, we decided to go with the one he’s most commonly known by in the NBA: The Finnisher. This is perhaps more intimidating than the comical ones we’ve mentioned as Lauri doesn’t appear to start the competition. The 7-footer just wants to end it and with his shooting range and length he may do just that once the Bulls build a team around him.Total Nickname Score: 37
Cleveland Cavaliers: The Big Penguin
Some rookies in current NBA nickname knowledge might be wondering who on this planet would be called the Big Penguin. Well it’s none other than the newly acquired Cavalier: Andre Drummond. It’s his favorite animal so it just sort of stuck since the NBA world found out. When his birthday on August 10th comes around, expect to see a lot of penguin gifs when you search #NBATwitter. Total Nickname Score: 37
Dallas Mavericks: The Latvian Unicorn
While Luka Legend has a lot of nickname upside, the representative of the NBA (Nickname Basketball Association) for the Mavericks is none other than Kristaps Porzingis. This magical beast left the Knicks wasteland for greener pastures and hopes that its unicorn blood that is shed on the court will once and for all heal an organization that has struggled for the last 9 years since their last title and the retirement of former legend Dirk Nowitzki. He’s tall, he’s from Europe and can shoot from the outside. Dirk was a diamond in the rough from Germany so Kristaps has the dibs on becoming a “unicorn” in his own right in a true dynamic duo alongside Luka Doncic. Total Nickname Score: 37
Denver Nuggets: The Joker
Nikola Jokic is a villain that the NBA always needs. Like The Joker in the Batman series, this Joker and the Nuggets look to spoil the party in the Western Conference. They currently have the 3rd best record in the West but could be a real threat to upset the powerhouse Los Angeles teams. Nikola is a tough player that can shoot and pass at an elite level. LeBron is focused on adding more Finals to his win total and Kawhi is focused on bringing the title-starved Clippers a trophy. The Joker is just standing there saying “Why so serious?” Total Nickname Score: 44
Detroit Pistons: The Blake Show
Blake Griffin was quite a dunker in his days with the Clippers. He really threw it down. If you have doubts, just ask Timofey Mozgov and Kendrick Perkins. After Kobe’s Achilles injury it was the end of the Lake Show for a while and the start of the Blake Show. While he never got past the second round, he did his best and was even ahead 3-1 to the Rockets before blowing the lead. While the “Lob City” moved on from the CP3 and Blake Show, their high flying alley oops will not be forgotten among Clipper Nation. Oh and also, Blake Griffin jumped over a car and won a dunk contest so that’s pretty cool. Total Nickname Score: 41
Golden State Warriors: Splash Brothers
It’s hard to give this award to just one person on the team as they go together like the Super Smash Brothers. Klay is the Luigi to Stephen Curry’s “Mario”. If you must pick one then you can go with the nickname of the two time regular season MVP Stephen Curry. The Warriors have been plagued with injuries and the departure of KD but after a losing season just consider this a sabbatical. The Splash Brothers will be back splashing threes like they are shooting in the ocean. With these two healthy and a lottery pick coming this team is sure to be a contender again soon. Total Nickname Score: 47
Houston Rockets: The Beard
Before his time in Houston, James Harden was a key spark off the bench for the Oklahoma City Thunder. When he moved to Clutch City he instantly became an offensive savant under the fast-paced D’Antoni offense. Now his college and early NBA pictures aren’t even recognizable. He used to be clean shaven but now he has grown perhaps the most famous beard in NBA history. With his recent MVP season in 2017-2018, The Beard will only grow in popularity as he hopes his reunion with old Thunder buddy Russell Westbrook ends in a championship. Total Nickname Score: 46
Indiana Pacers: Black Panther
Victor Oladipo was traded to the Indiana Pacers in exchange for Paul George. Paul George’s time in OKC was short but Oladipo became a franchise player in Indiana. He pushed the Cavs to the brink in round one of the 2018 NBA Playoffs. LeBron edged them in 7 games but Oladipo certainly showed his mettle in that series. Injuries would derail him the following seasons. A couple nicknames have been given to him like “Mr. 540” or “Mr. Feathery”. However, none has stuck quite like The Black Panther. Oladipo put on a Black Panther mask in the 2018 NBA Dunk Contest. There was a lot of hype surrounding the Marvel Character “Black Panther” following a movie called The Black Panther and an Avengers movie that was also released in 2018. Like the character, Oladipo is mysterious but he will let his game do the talking. Total Nickname Score: 38
Los Angeles Clippers: PG-13
This name stuck with Paul George since Indiana when he wore number 13. With initials like his and the attitude he plays the game with, this is the perfect nickname for him. He is rated PG-13 for crossover violence and intense jump shots. Total Nickname Score: 43
Los Angeles Lakers: King James
The Brow was in serious consideration here but LeBron’s greatness has spanned almost two decades and this is his best nickname. The Chosen One might be a bit narcissistic as it’s hard to compare oneself to the greatest NBA players ever but in this generation LeBron has gotten closer than anyone. King James is not just a version of the Holy Bible. It’s a nickname of a guy who literally built a kingdom in Miami to claim the throne and then returned to his homeland to bring a gold Larry O’Brien statue to the championship-starved Cleveland Cavaliers. Total Nickname Score: 50
Memphis Grizzlies: Jaws
While there aren’t many well known names for the second pick in the 2019 NBA Draft, Ja Morant is great enough to deserve a cool nickname. Technically Ja is short for Jamel which is his middle name. His first name is Demetrius. Just because it sounds cool we will go with the nickname proposed by some Grizzlies fans: Jaws. Cue the mysterious shark music. Total Nickname Score: 34
Miami Heat: Bam
No, Bam isn’t his name. His real name is Edrice Adebayo but he was nicknamed “Bam” when he was a little kid. It stuck when he flipped over a table like the mischievous child “Bam Bam” in Flintstones. He may not be turning over tables but he is for sure forcing more turnovers this season by recording a career high 1.2 steals per game. The first time All-Star is also averaging a double double with 16.2 points and 10.5 rebounds per game. He is legit and is a big reason the Miami Heat are doing so well in the East. Total Nickname Score: 41
Milwaukee Bucks: The Greek Freak
With a name like Giannis Antetokounmpo, a nickname can certainly come in handy. The reigning MVP uses this name to describe him in a nutshell: A freak of nature athlete who is from Greece. If he keeps it up and gets a reliable outside jump shot, the Eastern Conference and entire NBA better watch out. They currently have the best record in the NBA. They lost a disappointing matchup last year to the Toronto Raptors in the Eastern Conference Finals but it doesn’t look like they have a bunch of competition. Toronto and Boston are well coached but neither team has anyone close to the superstar MVP status. When the season resumes, Milwaukee will be one of the few teams favored to win it all. Total Nickname Score: 49
Minnesota Timberwolves: KAT
It was almost tempting to nickname Karl-Anthony Towns “Lizzo’s BAE” after the comments the popular artist provided this season. While she usually sings about a “new man on the Minnesota Vikings” in her hit single “Truth Hurts,” this is a “new man on the Minnesota Timberwolves” who looks like he will have a promising NBA career. Dogs may be man’s best friend but pretty soon a lot of NBA fans will be KAT guys too! Karl-Anthony Towns has a well rounded game as he has the size, shooting and athleticism to compete with the best in the NBA. Total Nickname Score: 38
New Orleans Pelicans: Zanos
Zion Williamson enters the NBA with high expectations. He is said to be the best prospect since LeBron James. There will certainly be many more nicknames to come but for now we will stick with the ones his Duke teammates gave him in college: Zanos. The name is a spoof off of the villain in the Avengers movies: Thanos. While Zion is a rookie it won’t be long before he adds “infinity stone” abilities to his game to make him and the New Orleans Pelicans even more invincible. Total Nickname Score: 40
New York Knicks: Maple Mamba
After being drafted 3rd in the 2019 NBA Draft, there were high expectations for RJ Barrett to lead a team that has struggled to win for the last decade or so. Maple Mamba is in reference to his Canadian descent and his game which is comparable to a young Kobe Bryant. He is reluctant to use the name since Kobe’s passing this year as there was only one “Mamba” but he will continue to work to elevate his game just like Kobe did. Total Nickname Score: 35
Oklahoma City Thunder: CP3
While his twin and insurance agent in State Farm commercials is Cliff Paul, CP3 is the most common nickname for All-Star veteran point guard Chris Paul. While some think the initials and jersey number is a basic nickname, it’s ironic that his nickname almost sounds like the quirky droid from Star Wars, C3PO. Considered one of the best point guards of his generation, Chris Paul has been successful for several teams despite never making the NBA Finals. Until a couple years ago he hadn’t made it out of the second round but with James Harden and the Rockets, he came within a game of the NBA Finals and might have gotten there if he hadn’t gone down with a strained hamstring. CP3 is a high quality brand name in today’s NBA even at the end of his career. The Thunder were supposed to be done but as a veteran point guard does, he has led his team into playoff contention. Total Nickname Score: 42
Orlando Magic: Air Gordon
While he isn’t close to Air Jordan, the dunks of “Air Gordon” are top notch. He hasn’t won a dunk contest yet, but he has come awfully close two times. After starring as one of the villains in “Uncle Drew” Aaron Gordon has been in the national spotlight as a primetime dunker who could become a future star once he takes the next step in outside shooting. He is only 24 so he still has plenty of opportunities ahead of him in the NBA. Total Nickname Score: 35
Philadelphia 76ers: The Process
Joel Embiid was drafted to the 76ers when they were so bad that the NBA realized that they were just trying to tank and get good players each year. This started chants of “Trust The Process”. Embiid was a very colorful personality so he started calling himself The Process since he was one of the original top players drafted in this Philly movement. Total Nickname score: 36
Phoenix Suns: Book
Elementary school teachers would love the fact that Devin Booker’s name alone might inspire some children to read. He earned his first All-Star bid after Damian Lillard went down with an injury. He did score 70 points in a game (although it was in a losing effort). He is a deadly three point shooter who can get his own shot. Read your book because D-Book is about to take the NBA to school. Total Nickname Score: 41
Portland Trailblazers: Dame
Baa baa Blazers have you any wool?
Yes their backcourt taking you to school
Three from the CJ, three from the DAME
Dunk from the Melo cutting through the lane
Baa baa Blazers are you really cool?
Yes sir, Dame took the NBA to school!
Total Nickname Score: 48
Sacramento Kings: Swipa
De’Aaron Fox wants to lead the Sacramento Kings to their first playoffs since 2006.
However, Dora the Explorer has other plans for “Swipa the Fox.” She tells him “Swipa no swiping.” Fox won’t stop though. In a shortened season he wasn’t far off his sophomore averages. He has 1.4 steals and a career high 20.4 points per game in this shortened season. His season is over but he will still have chances to help the Kings prepare for a playoff push next year. Total Nickname Score: 35
San Antonio Spurs: Deebo
When you think of Demar DeRozan, think of the following quote by Deebo from the 1995 Ice Cube movie “Friday”
“Look Mr. D, Demar’s not in no gangs. He’s not getting involved with this crazy stuff that we’re doing.”
Total Nickname Score: 40
Toronto Raptors: Spicy P
After Kawhi Leonard left to join the Los Angeles Clippers, many thought the Raptors might take a back seat. They haven’t done that at all. They remain a threat in the Eastern Conference. They have great coaching, management, and two star caliber players. Kyle Lowry has 6 All-Star selections and the nickname representative for Canada is none other than Spicy P. Pascal Siakam received that nickname because he doesn’t like spicy foods. His game is certainly spicy and he received his first All-Star selection this year. He will need to continue to be a key cog in the Toronto offense if they hope to return to the NBA Finals. Total Nickname Score: 39
Utah Jazz: Stifle Tower
This was a close one. While SPIDA is the offensive All-Star that is one of the few guys on the Jazz that can get his own shot, Rudy Gobert’s defensive prowess has led the Jazz to great heights. This has also led him to a plethora of nicknames:
1. The Everlasting GOB-Stopper
2. The French Rejection
3. Two Time
4. The most popular of all: The Stifle Tower
Rudy’s French heritage combined with his ability to stifle the game plan of opposing offenses has led him to receive a nickname that is the NBA’s Wonder of the World. Move over Eiffel Tower, it’s time for the Stifle Tower to keep stifling with his 7-foot-9-inch wingspan. He isn’t the two time Defensive Player of the Year and first time All-Star for nothing. It will be great to see what he does to help the Jazz. He is also no slouch on offense. Check out his screen assist numbers and NBA record for most dunks in a season. Total Nickname Score: 41
Washington Wizards: Big Panda
Bradley Beal has gradually improved his game to reach his goal of averaging 30 points a game this season. He will also represent the Wizards with the team’s best nickname. He is called “Big Panda” by his teammates because he eats a lot like a panda. Time will tell if the Wizards can build a team around him to seriously compete with other Eastern Conference teams. Total Nickname Score: 42