Piece by: Nick Kokoropoulos
A couple weeks ago, Bill Belichick received his stimulus check and decided to spend it on over $268 million worth of free agents. Most men in a state of mid-life crisis buy sports cars; Coach Belichick signs tight ends.
I want to say $268 million is a free agency record, but I couldn’t find any confirmation on the first page of search results or a source that didn’t require a subscription. Journalistic integrity will come when a journalistic paycheck comes.
That’s right, as shocking as it may sound, this writing thing is not my day job. No, no, from 8:30 AM to 4 PM you can find me at (undisclosed location) working in the development department making copies and appeasing friendly, albeit technologically impaired, geriatrics. As the old adage goes, donations do not grow on trees.
The particular branch of (undisclosed non-profit) that pays my checks recently underwent a renovation project involving many millions of dollars. Many, many millions. (Yes, I am going somewhere with this.) After three months of incessant jackhammering and the occasional, unforeseen power outage, many millions of dollars metamorphosed into a brand-new kitchen and much improved living space for the lovely people we serve. A sweet aroma of silence left behind by the finished construction wafted triumphantly through the office halls. Peace at last.
The peace did not last long.
About a week into the jackhammer-less bliss, the usual afternoon announcements sounded through the salt-and-pepper crackle of the PA. “Women’s Bible study in the chapel.” “So-and-so please come to the front desk.” A pause. “The kitchen is on fire. I repeat, the kitchen is on fire.” What? The immediate lack of urgency from my coworkers at this proclamation led me to conclude that boredom really can cause aural hallucinations. However, the shrieking Morse code of the fire alarm 30 seconds later led me to believe that my coworkers were actually just as confused as I was.
There we all were, perched on the front lawn, wondering who burnt the popcorn. Contrary to our skepticism, not one, not two, not three, but four firetrucks arrived to save the day. At the time I hadn’t experienced many indoor conflagrations, so I assumed, as did the rest of my coworkers, that the fire department saved the four-truck treatment for occasions more severe than overcooked movie snacks. So, while the firetrucks aimed to extinguish a fire, they accomplished much more in fanning the flames of our imaginations. In 30 different ways, we lamented: “All of those many, many millions of dollars spent just to burn…”
Starting to catch my drift?
In 2020, The New England Patriots had their first losing season since 1995. I was born in 1997. For the last 25 years, they have been the standard of consistency that every other team has spent $268 million in free agency trying to obtain. This alien culture of achievement is commonly referred to as the ‘Patriot Way,’ and it is this ‘Patriot Way’ that puts into context just how jarring the recent shopping-spree has been. Historically, a blank check approach to free agency has only ever failed. The Dolphins, the Jets, the Washington Football Team, the Cowboys, they overspend. Teams that haven’t won a Super Bowl in over 25 years, that have no culture of achievement, overspend.
For the Patriots to regress towards the mean at such an intense clip calls into question the integrity of the ‘Patriot Way’ and foreshadows a culture of mediocrity over the next two and a half decades. I understand having a down year, but New England has responded like a team accustomed to having down years. I understand the rush to reestablish their winning ways, but New England has taken one giant leap out of the still waters of the ‘Patriot Way’ and into the deep end of desperation. Surely the inner machinations of Bill Belichick’s beautiful mind have crafted a trick as contrived as The Prestige. Surely, I will eat my words, but as of right now, the half-sleeved slasher of Super Bowl dreams resembles less of an effortless genius and more of a ruler tightening his grip on a crumbling dynasty.
Now my employer made it through to the other side unscathed. The burning kitchen turned out to be a member of the maintenance crew who decided their cigarette would be more enjoyable next to the brand-new ovens than the parking lot, allegedly. Three of the firetrucks departed almost as soon as they arrived, and the one that stayed behind merely opened some windows and turned on some fans. The sweet aroma of silence wafted once more.
Bill Belichick and his Patriots will not be so lucky. Their free agency frenzy will not be a silly anecdote but a caution for all future dynasties.
New England is on fire. I repeat, New England is on fire.
Hi Nick, my name is Tyler & I'm a fellow writer here on the MS website. I wanted to stop by & show some support, because I thought this article was funny & made some good points. I recently wrote a piece on how the Patriots were one of the teams who won big in free agency, but it did feel weird to write that. Are we starting to see the Patriots go through their mid life crisis after all these years? I guess we'll see later this year.